Jailhouse rock
by missm001
Summary: This is only my second fic ever so this is probably going to suck. It’s going to suck real bad. But whatever the case please let me know how I did cause I really wanna know if you liked it or if I should leave the writing to the professionals! But for


Scene: Jail cell

Set up:Somewhere in season 7 or 8, not really that important which.Rachel and Ross are together.Monica has the Porsche.Joey still has the chick and the duck.This is probably going to suck.It's going to suck real bad.But I thought I might write something a little lighter than what I wrote before.This shouldn't be so strange.

Scene:Jail cell

Policeman:Okay pretty boy, this is your new room.The bellboy will be bringing up your luggage in a minute.Don't forget to tip him.

Ross:Hey!You can't leave me here!Look at this place, it's disgusting.And, and, and (starts whispering) and there are several large angry looking men.

Policeman:Hear that boys, he doesn't like his new roommates.

(A very very large man gets up and walks towards Ross)

Ross:Now, now I didn't mean it that way really!

(The man gets up in Ross's face)

Ross: (gulps) get away from me or else!

Man1: Or else what?

Ross: (very seriously) Or else I'm going to have to kick your ass!

(Everybody in the cell bursts out laughing)

Man1:You're funny I needed a good laugh, what's your name princess?

Ross:My name is Ross not princess!

(The man gives Ross an angry look)

Ross: But princess is good too, sounds rather dignified to me.

Man1:That's what I though.My name is Snake, this is Killer and T-Bone, and over there in the corner is Jerry.

Ross:Jerry?

Snake:Yeah, he's the craziest one of all!

~4 hours later~

(Snake and Killer and Ross are all sitting around together talking)

Ross:…and so that's how my son lives with his two mommies.

Killer:Aw man that's too bad.Just the other day my little Erica went one the big girl potty all by herself for the first time.I was so happy. She's getting to be such a big girl.

Ross:Hey Killer are those tears in your eyes?

Killer:Aren't I allowed to be sensitive?What is so wrong with me showing emotion?Why must I bottle up my feelings?

Ross:I'm sorry man; I didn't know you felt that way.

Killer:Well I do, now sit down before I snap you in half.

~2 hours later~

Ross: …so you see it wasn't my fault.

Everybody in the room:YOU WERE ON A BREAK!We know!!

Ross:So you guys agree with me right?

T-Bone:I'm sorry I just don't see it!I mean you cheated on her, that's just wrong.Stalking her for two weeks and then running over her cat is fine, but you don't cheat on her!

(Ross gives him his two fisted gesture)

Jerry: Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm, I wanna a piece of that!

(Jerry winks at Ross)

Ross:I'm going to go and sit over here.Way over here.

Policeman:Hey princess, you got some visitors.

~Visitor Room~

Policeman:Only one at a time.

Monica:I'll go first

(Policeman shows her to the room)

Monica: Where is my Porsche?

Ross:I'm fine I guess thanks for your concern, your car is fine, they'll show you where it is.

Monica:So how are you doing?

Ross:Okay, but it's disgusting in there.

(Monica shudders)

Monica:I can only imagine.

Ross:So what took you so long?

Monica:Well, we just got a little busy.

Ross:Doing what?

(Monica says something really softly)

Ross:What?

Monica: (really fast)ckackunuttruttr.

Ross:One more time?

Monica: Fine!We were watching the chick and duck look for nutter butters.

Ross: (a little angry) Oh, I can see.

Monica:I'm sorry, so anyway what are you here for?

Ross:I'd rather not talk about it.

Monica:Please?

Ross:No!

Monica:Fine I won't post bail!

Ross:Okay, okay,…….

(Several minutes later)

Ross: … and so then the police car was right behind me, I turned left and then right, but I couldn't shake him, so that where I made the mistake.I took the bridge.They blocked off the other end and that's where they caught me.

Monica:You expect me to believe you were in a high-speed chase?

Ross: Why not.

Monica:Fine Ross, I'm leaving.

(Monica leaves and Chandler comes in)

Chandler:So how's prison life treating you?I heard the food is great.

Ross:Chandler you've got to help get me out of here!!

Chandler:We're trying man, but you're bail is going to cost a fortune.If I were you I'd get a spoon and start digging.

Ross:You're ever so helpful. 

Chandler:I try.So what are you here for anyway?

Ross:Well….

(several minutes later)

Ross:… and then the man dropped the gun and ran.When the police got there it was just the gun and me so here I am.

Chandler:You held up a liquor store?

Ross:No they only think I did.

Chandler:Sure man, whatever.I'm going to go now, don't drop the soap.

(Chandler leaves and Rachel comes in)

Rachel:Oh honey, what have they done to you, you look awful in that nasty prison outfit?

Ross:No sweetie, they let me keep my clothes.

Rachel:Oh.

Ross: So any word on when I can leave?

Rachel:We're trying,I called your mother.

Ross:You called my mother!

Rachel: Yeah, why's that such a big deal.

Ross:You never call a man's mother; it's like tattling on him.

Rachel:Ross that's ridiculous, I just wanted to help.

Ross:Whatever nark.

Rachel:Fine Ross, be that way.

(Rachel gets up and walks out of the room)

Ross:No sweetie come back, I didn't mean that.Please.I love you.

(Phoebe comes in)

Ross:She's not coming back is she?

Phoebe:I don't think so.So are you anyone's bitch yet?

Ross:What!?!?

Phoebe:I heard Jerry is kind of sweet on you.

Ross:How do you know Jerry?

Phoebe:Oh we go way back.

Ross: Ahh.

Phoebe:So you're in jail huh?

Ross:It kind of looks that way doesn't it.

Phoebe:I mean why?

Ross:Oh well ….

(several minutes later)

Ross:…and I had beaten the man up so badly he had to go to the hospital.

Phoebe:But that's not fair, you were just trying to save that poor nun!

Ross:I know, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Phoebe:You really are a bad ass.

(Ross grins)

Ross:And don't you forget it.

Phoebe:I gotta go now, bad memories.

(Phoebe gets up and leaves)

Phoebe:(laughing)Ross a bad ass, yeah right.

(Joey comes in the room)

Joey:Hey man, how's it going?

Ross:How do you think it's going?Did you call my lawyer?

Joey:Yeah, but he sounded a little confused.

Ross: About what?

Joey:I don't know something about how this isn't his area blah blah blah, he can't help you blah blah blah, and to give him a call when your next marriage falls through.

Ross:Joey you called my divorce lawyer?

Joey:Well yeah, you practically have him on speed dial.

Ross:It looks like I'll have to do it myself!

Joey:Geesh, you don't have to be so grumpy about it.

Ross:Joey I have been stuck here for over six hours, I don't know when I'll be getting out, my mother knows, my girlfriend is pissed at me, and one of my cell mates keeps winking at me!

Joey:Yeah baby!!Is she hot?

Ross:Joey, they are all men.

Joey:No baby!

(The policeman comes in)

Policeman:Princess, you've posted bail.

Ross:Thank God!Who posted it for me?

Jerry:Hey sexy!!

(Ross gets a very frightened look)

~Back at the apartment~

Ross:I am so sorry honey, really, I was just a little stressed.

Rachel:Fine.

Ross:Really, I'm sorry, I'll do anything to make it up to you.

Rachel:Anything?

Ross:(very sexily)Anything!

Rachel:Tell me the real reason you were in jail?

Ross:NO!

(Rachel gives him an evil look and turns her head.

Ross:Fine come here.

(Ross whispers something in her ear)

Rachel:(really loud) You got arrested for hitting on a cop!!!

(Everyone bursts out laughing)

Ross:Thanks a lot.Yes I hit on a cop, but it was just to get out of a ticket.

Chandler:And they arrested you for that!

Ross:No, but apparently it seemed like I was offering sex, so they picked me up on prostitution.

(Everyone bursts out laugh)

Ross:Fine everyone laugh at my misfortune.

Rachel:I'm sorry sweetie.

Ross:Yeah?

Rachel:Yeah, (very sexily) I'll do anything to make it up to you.

Ross:Anything?

Rachel:Yeah….. as long as you don't charge me for it!

(Everyone laughs again)

~End Teaser~

Chandler:Ross phone!

Ross:Who is it?

Chandler:Some guy named Jerry?

(Ross jumps over the couch and runs out the door)

THE END


End file.
